The Lonely

There are many within the online community who truly are predators. These are the individuals who seek to do harm to others for their own pleasure. Now, please bear in mind I am not speaking within the proper confines of a BDSM relationship. Instead, I am referring to those who are abusers in the truest sense of the word. They utilize tactics which prey upon the unsuspecting in an effort to seek their favor. This often leads to reprehensible damage.

The Lonely

The Internet seems to be a place where many people who are lonely turn for comfort. It is obvious why this is since this mechanism can mimic life in many ways without the downside effects that many suffered in their real lives. Consider the average chatroom. Here is a place that many can find comfort in regardless of the time of day. If the place is popular enough, there is activity going 24/7. Online relationships are formed by those who spend a lot of time commiserating with other of like mindset. While this can be beneficial on many levels, there can also be great harm done.

Predators know that the Internet provides a great deal of anonymity. It is a medium which allows for people to operate without recognition. When someone is ill-intentioned, the fact that one is only offering a screen name as identification is a welcomed asset. Chatrooms are full of people seeking solace and companionship. The BDSM world, online, is the same way. We have a host of 'submissives' seeking to give control to all others. One sad truth is that many of these people would submit to a tree if given the chance.

Loneliness is a horrible quality to be dealing with. There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Those who cannot stand to be alone without being lonely are ripe to be taken by a predator. Often the victims are those who are isolated by their responsibilities. It is very common to see single mothers engaged in chats. It is a refuge for them since it allows for 'adult' interaction in a situation that is otherwise difficult. Of course, our predators depend upon this fact.

Protecting Oneself

Reams of suggestions are available to protect oneself from online predators. I am not going to hit upon the basics such as not providing personal information or meeting without the proper precautions in place. These are common suggestions and should always be applied. However, there are other things that people need to do that is particular to the BDSM community.

The first thing you can do is to use common sense. Too many seem to think they stepped onto another planet when they get around this lifestyle. The truth is that all other common sense ideas apply here. Failure to grasp this concept means that you are susceptible to believing a host of bullshit.

A relationship is built upon interaction and communication. Forget about the TPE concept entirely when you are starting to communicate with another. I have seen too many people believe the horsecrap that a 'Master' states like it is fact when it doesnt even make sense. For example, I had one tell me that 'Master doesnt like questions'. And she was one who was thinking about moving her kids 3 states to be with him. Here is my question: what kind of stupid ass are you? If your Master doesnt like questions, find a Master who does. How can one make a reasonable decision about a person if she doesnt know anything about that person? In my experience, it is impossible.

Another thing that you can do is to presume that all you see is not what it appears. Sure, some are genuine in their intent. However, there is so much misinformation that people are led to the wrong conclusions. I saw so many who proclaimed to be Masters or slaves when they really had no idea what that meant. Instead, they based it upon a couple of blog posts they read. Excelling in either of these areas requires a lot of time and dedication. It doesnt happen overnight. There are many online who are genuine in what they say but mislead completely.

The final suggestion I have for protecting yourself is to take things slowly. Sure you can advance pretty quickly in the online world. That is the easy part. Transitioning to something real requires a lot of work. For this reason, go slow in your interaction. If you are new to the lifestyle, relax and learn all you can. Get a variety of insights before moving forward. Find someone who is credible and knows what he or she is doing. A mentor is often a wonderful path to follow. Solicit the input of someone who has been there. This will save you a lot of headaches down the road.

At the same time, resist the temptation to jump into a relationship immediately. I can promise you that if you go to any one of the BDSM dating sites, you will be hit up immediately by a host of doms/masters. Ignore most of what you see because it is garbage. The true Masters arent soliciting everyone 'subbie' on those sites. Only the predators do that. Learn to separate the two.

By resisting the urge to jump in, you will be better able to find the quality person you are seeking. Once you do this, then you can begin the process of transitioning from online to real time. But again, do not do that overnight. Use the traditional forms of communication like the telephone to get to know each other better. There will be signs if something is amiss. Watch for patterns that would indicate being misled such as only being able to call at certain times or screaming children in the background when one is single without kids. These are warnings.

These are just a few tidbits of ways you can protect yourself. The Internet is a wonderful tool that allows you access to people who were once out of reach. However, this benefit is also wrought with peril. Take the proper measures to protect yourself.

Self Esteem

This is an issue that affects most of society, not just the BDSM world. However, from what I have witnessed, people who enter the BDSM world suffer from a lack of self esteem. Sadly, this is something that will affect all they do.

Looking To The Outside

I am amazed how many look to the outside for their worth. Certainly, this is a product of society and how they operate. We are taught from a young age to compare ourselves with those around us. Children are graded against each other. This continues into adulthood. It is truly astounding when you really consider how many decisions are made by those around us. Sure, it is not directly but the outside influence is always there.

Living this way is an expensive proposition. Many people buy expensive automobiles simply because they are concerned about the impression they make on other people. This affects their financial freedom in ways they cannot even begin to imagine.

The same is true within this lifestyle. Too many are concerned with the impression they make on others. These individuals are ones who believe worth is derived outside themselves. Unfortunately, this is a road to emptiness since few ever find the truth in this. Worth is an inside job. It is not something that another can give you.

BDSM

Too many times I see a sub/slave looking for her worth from the dominant one. Again, this is a path to never-ending fulfillment. Even the best Master in the world is powerless to handle this situation. In fact, it becomes a lifelong battle that he has to wage. No matter how much support, love, or attention that one is given, it is never enough. The low self-esteem will always win.

I recently read an article that was posted a number of years ago about the subject of punishments. It dealt with the idea that a Dom would punish a sub by ignoring her for a specific period of time. The author believed this was a bad move since most have abandonment issues and such poor self esteem that this practice would have an adverse affect. Instead, the thinking is, the Dom should only engage in those behaviors that bear in mind these shortcomings within a submissive one.

This is an outlook that I disagree with completely. To start, this article was written by someone who obviously has esteem issues herself. Plus, it is something that will never work. Why should a Master alter his punishments because of the fragile esteem of a slave. If she is that fragile, she belongs alone working on herself and not in a relationship. A Master is incapable of solving this issue for her.

Now, let us look at the absurdity of this viewpoint. She has abandonment issues so that means a Master cannot cut off contact with her. What if he goes out of town on business for three or four days? The response would most likely be 'that is different'. But how do you know? If her esteem is that fragile, can she handle being alone at all. Abandonment issues come in many forms. Perhaps her dad went out of town on business and never returned. Now she might have a reply in her mind.

The truth is that only those with solid self-esteem can be in healthy relationships. Even in a power exchange situation, it is crucial that both people be on solid footing with their self worth. Again, and I cannot stress this enough, both parties need to look within for that value. A slave is not valuable because of what she does; rather, her value is because of who she is. Her awakening in the morning is all she needs to have merit. Everything else flows out of that place.

In summary, take the time to develop your own self esteem. Do this before you get involved in a BDSM relationship and you will be much happier.

The Mindset

The secret to BDSM is the mindset that one has. This particular lifestyle differs from that of the traditional world in many different ways. Therefore, a different outlook upon things is required. What breeds success in the vanilla world does not necessarily apply in this realm. A different mindset will insure you attain the outcome you desire.

Naturally, the viewpoint of a dominant will vary from that of a submissive. Each approaches things from a different perspective. However, both, when combined, will allow for a relationship to develop.

In this post, I am going to extend out to the far extreme and detail the M/s mindset. The reason why I do this is because the complete nature of the power exchange really emphasizes what occurs.

A slave decides to enter into a relationship that is term total power exchange (tpe). In this arrangement, all power resides in the hands of the Master. The slave retains control over no aspect of her life, The exchange of power is complete in that there is nothing left that is hers. Her entire existence is now in the hands of the Master and she lives solely for his benefit.

Obviously, this is a radical contrast to what we are taught by society. The typical relationship in the traditional world is a partnering of the couple. Each person maintains an equal status while 'completing' the other person. It is a ying/yang outlook where the circle is split evenly.

Completion is also present in a M/s relationship. The slave can not exist without the Master and vice versa. However, there is no equality. This is a completely unequal situation when it comes to the power. It is not a 50/50 arrangement but a 100/0. Naturally, it takes great effort to get to this point.

The entire basis for the M/s relationship is within the mind of each person. While many will focus upon the mindset of the slave, which is crucial, it is equally important to mention that of the Master. In our society, it is hard to adopt the outlook of complete control. We are not conditioned that way. A Master needs to be willing to take responsibility for everything that occurs. This is too much pressure for many. Instead of being trained to be responsible, most excel at the blame game. This is not an option in this kind of relationship. All failures are on the part of the Master...not the slave.

As you can see this is a viewpoint which is contrary to what most believe. I found that a great amount of time needs spent working on the mindset. This is true for both Master and slave. Over the next few days, I will delve into this in more detail. The important factor to take from today is to understand that BDSM success springs from the adopting of the proper mindset. Without it, there will be no relationship. And, whatever your viewpoint is in the traditional world, it will not help greatly here. A radical shift is required especially for M/s.

Knowing Your Place

Most people enter into this lifestyle, at least in the online world, after reading a couple of blog posts and, perhaps, seeing a few videos. The idea of submission (or domination) appeals to them. Thus, they sign up for a couple of websites while filling out profiles. In it they say something to the effect 'newbie just looking around'. Sadly, this is a person who is destined never to realize what this life is all about. The truth of the matter is that the answers are derived by going within.

There Is More To IT

Before you get defensive about me going all 'personal development' on you, let me make it clear that there is more to this way of life than meets the eye. While it is true that many come seeking pleasure and fun, the truth of the matter that a great percentage are then drawn in further. They experience a taste of this life and want more. That is a wonderful thing to have happen. However, just knowing which side of the domination/submission equation that you are on is not enough.

I see so many who state that they are seeking a Dom (Master/sub/slave). Yet, rarely is anyone specific about what they want. Sure some will state they want particular physical traits or age category. Some even go so far as to tell you what they do not want. Many are clear, at least initially, of what their limits are. Nevertheless, these people never seem to get to the crux of the matter.

Domination is an art as well as a science. The concept of taking complete control of another requires experience and education on many different levels. Taking over someone physically (and sexually) is the easy part. Any meat head can do that. The ability to penetrate someone so deeply that he or she cedes total control is a different matter. This takes a great deal of time to learn. One's power to dominate at the psychological level is brought into question. Domination is a study completely unto itself.

Why do I bring this point up here? Simple. Many state they want someone to dominate them but have no idea how that is done. Therefore, they believe that lies in the hands of the Dom. Sadly, my experience is that most of them have no idea either. Anyone who submits to a person of this ilk is apt to find the relationship non-fulfilling. It will be magical for a while since the newness of someone taking control at the physical/sexual level is intoxicating. After that wears off, and it always does, one is left with nothing more than a kinky relationship.

Knowing Oneself

Knowing oneself is crucial. It is impossible to really begin a search for another until one is certain what it is he or she is looking for. The aforementioned example is perfectly suitable for many people. There is nothing wrong with having a BDSM relationship that is nothing more than enhanced sexual play...if that is what you want. Yet, if you are a person who desires to be dominated completely, then it best to get with someone who has that ability.

To show this in the reverse, consider the plight of the dominant. Are you one who seeks to control all aspects of one's life? If that is the case, you ought not mess with someone who is only seeking to enhance his/her sex life. This is an individual who will resist any efforts to go farther (if he/she remains true to that original desire). Relationships end regularly because there is a lack of consistency in the desires.

Another way this enters the picture is in the sub/slave scenario. I am a 'doubting Thomas' when it comes to slaves being what they proclaim. My firm belief is that the percentage of people who truly are capable of living as slaves is slim. Most are submissive but unable to produce the mindset required to truly be a slave. This creates a problem for someone like me who does not want to mess around with subs. I prefer the M/s compared to D/s situation. This is a personal preference and not meant to make the proclamation that one is better than the other. Nevertheless, one who comes to me lacking the ability to be a slave is not a prospect regardless of what she claims.

Fortunately, I am experienced enough to pick up on this. Most are not. There are many who enter into M/s relationships without a clear picture of what they seek. Often people seem willing to take the first person who will come along. This decision creates an assortment of other issues that I will not go into today. The bottom line is that failure to know oneself is paramount to being able to find a match.

The Spectrum

Once you begin to get an idea of yourself, then you can determine where on the spectrum you best fit into. Here again, we are dealing with something that is more than meets the proverbial eye. Most think that deciding that he or she is a slave (or Master), for example, is enough. Wrong. With the slave, what kind of slavery are you seeking. There are many avenues to pursue. Defining your desires as closely as possible is helpful.

Some desiring emotion filled relationships with someone who will not only be a Dom/Master/sub slave but also a husband or wife. At the same time, some see slaves as ones who are less than human and should be treated accordingly. Many are into the animal mindset while others take the objectification leading to property outlook. There are many different ways to view the same title. The question is where do you fit.

There are people at every stage of the spectrum. The key is to know what it is that makes you tick. In other words, how much of a relationship do you want with a person. The one who is seeking a marriage partner as well as a BDSM one is looking for something emotionally in depth. This differs from the one who seeks to simply be of service to another in the domestic sense and forgo the emotional. Again, neither is better than the other. It only matters what is best for you.

Knowing your place is a helpful thing to determine. Sadly, few ever look at it before they enter into a relationship. Most seem to do it backwards: they enter into relationships to determine what they desire. Is it any wonder that so many relationships fail? Spend the time doing the internal search to determine what you are about; it will save you many mistakes down the road.

D/s Versus M/s

Today I am going to cover the most common types of BDSM relationships in terms of the breakdown of power. While there is always debate about this based upon the perspective of those involved, I am providing you with an oversight that I feel is commonplace. Any variations you encounter off this will still have the fundamental makeup of these two types.

The fundamental difference between a BDSM relationship and the traditional one is the power structure. In most relationships, the power breakdown is somewhat evenly split. The western culture now establishes romantic relationships with a 50/50 sharing of power. Each person is equal in theory. Of course, we know this is not the case since one person tends to take the lead via a stronger personality. Nevertheless, this shift will cause perhaps a 60/40 split which still remains somewhat close.

Those relationships where there is an extreme shift in power are considered unhealthy by society. This is commonly an abusive situation which is based upon fear. That leads to a development that is unhealthy and destructive. BDSM does not follow this model. Anything created based upon fear never will have a good outcome.

When one enters into a power exchange relationship in the BDSM world, it is consensual. One person is willingly giving control over to the other. In this scenario the individual(s) is operating under a D/s (Dom/sub) situation. The person who accepts the responsibility of control is the dominant while the giver is the submissive. Each person fulfills a role within the relationship.

Are D/s and M/s Different?

Now that you have a basic understanding of how the relationships are structured, I am going to enter into the controversial fray for a bit. In my opinion, D/s can be applied in two different ways. I see D/s as an encompassing umbrella that covers all power exchange relationships. Anyone who is involved in BDSM is either partaking in a dominant or a submissive role. Therefore, every BDSM relationship is covered under D/s.

However, there is a second way to view D/s. This relationship heading can also be applied to all BDSM relationships that do not go to the level of M/s. In this regard, a D/s and a M/s relationship differ. Of course, I will compound the confusion by stating that all M/s relationships are D/s in their nature.

Let's clarify this. M/s stands for Master/slave. This is an extreme relationship in terms of the power structure. Under a M/s scenario, all power lays with the Master. It is total and complete. No aspect of a slave's life is not subject to this unless the Master so desires to cede that power back. The basic expectation is that the Master takes total control. In turn, the slave gives it all up.

There is a subset of this lifestyle, in fact the largest, who do not live M/s. In their relationships, the submissive has some control over her life. While she gives it up in certain areas, there are things that are considered 'off limits'. This allows her to retain control throughout the process in that she can dictate certain things that are not acceptable. A slave does not have this option. Therefore, a different heading is required to differentiate between the two. Ergo, I title anyone who is not involved in M/s to be in a D/s situation. The partners are not Master/slave but, rather, Dom/sub.

Does It Really Matter?

Many wonder whether we are just dealing with semantics here and does this really matter in the grand scheme of things? They will make the claim that relationships are up to individuals who are free to terms things however they see fit. This is true. However, as one who is a promoter of the idea of BDSM as a lifestyle and who has dedicated himself to clearing up the misleading information that is posted, I feel this is a very important point to make.

We think in terms. Vocabulary is how we wrap our minds around certain concepts. Therefore, we need consistency in the terms that we utilize. The word 'slave' cannot mean anyone who is submissive because then every new submissive would claim he or she is a slave. This is incorrect. A slave reaches particular standards to be deemed that. Thus, every submissive is not a slave.

Knowing what type of relationship we are suited for helps in our search. Personally, I am involved in M/s. If one came to me calling herself a slave but was really only submissive, we would have problems (and believe it or not it has happened before). My idea of a power breakdown and hers are totally different. The two mindsets do not mix. Thus, one who calls herself something when in fact she means something else is apt to inadvertently mislead. Hence we get all the confusion.

Therefore, I will state that most people I see entering this lifestyle are apt to be involved in the D/s as opposed to M/s. My experience is that it is a small percentage who are truly Masters or slaves. This will help to reduce some of the mislabeling people commonly do. Consider yourself a candidate for D/s first and then see if you are willing to go the full length in terms of power breakdown. Understand there is a difference.

BDSM: A Wide Spectrum

BDSM is a wide spectrum. The internet tends to present viewpoint: that of sex. This makes sense since most of the images are presented by the porn-based companies that are selling videos. However, this only touched upon a small part of the lifestyle.

Sex is a part of all our lives. The BDSM world is no different in that people in this particular lifestyle engage in this practice for a multitude of reasons. Probably the common reason is that sex feels good. People have sex because they like how it feels. The BDSM spectrum adds another component to the fun in that people engage in different types of power exchanges. This is what moves it from the traditional (or vanilla) to BDSM. At different times, someone is in complete control.

Nevertheless, like with most relationships, sex makes up only one component of the BDSM lifestyle. Before going any further, I need to point out that this lifestyle means that we are still a part of life. That means we enjoy and suffer all the things that life has to offer. We are not exempt from living. Too many seem to approach this way of life with the notion that he or she will be absolved of what typically occurs. The truth is that we are not. Life happens....so expect it.

That being said, I will state that the core of any BDSM interaction is the power exchange. many choose only to focus this upon their bedroom behavior. This is fine if that is what the couple decides. However, many of us opt to move the power exchange outside the bedroom and into other areas of our lives. These are the people who are commonly called 'lifestylers'. They opt for a way of life that is outside the norm. It extends beyond play into their daily living.

Many seem to believe that one way is right while another is wrong. Nothing could be further from the truth. In relationships, the question is not right or wrong but, rather, effective or ineffective. For me, living in vanilla relationships was ineffective. This is not the case for many people. Most find this particular relationship structure to their liking. I, on the other hand, had a terrible time living my life in this manner. Therefore, I chose a different path. Yet that does not make the vanilla world wrong. It is simply a different choice.

BDSM is all encompassing. Whatever your flavor, it is perfectly acceptable. There are those who like extreme fetishes. At the same time, their idea of BDSM is tying up their partner during sex. And, there are those who fit somewhere in between. It matters little where you fit on the spectrum as long as you are aware of it. The reason is that you want to find someone who is compatible with your likes. Therefore, instead of trying to compare yourself and be something that you are not, why not seek out to find the person who fits what you are into? This is where you will find the basis for long term happiness.

So, the most important thing that you can do today is to write down what you enjoy. If you can figure out your preference, then it is much easier to match yourself with someone who is the same ilk. After years of talking with people online, I can assure you this simple idea will put you ahead of 90% of the people out there.

Tomorrow I will cover the fundamental aspects of D/s and M/s.