The Lonely

There are many within the online community who truly are predators. These are the individuals who seek to do harm to others for their own pleasure. Now, please bear in mind I am not speaking within the proper confines of a BDSM relationship. Instead, I am referring to those who are abusers in the truest sense of the word. They utilize tactics which prey upon the unsuspecting in an effort to seek their favor. This often leads to reprehensible damage.

The Lonely

The Internet seems to be a place where many people who are lonely turn for comfort. It is obvious why this is since this mechanism can mimic life in many ways without the downside effects that many suffered in their real lives. Consider the average chatroom. Here is a place that many can find comfort in regardless of the time of day. If the place is popular enough, there is activity going 24/7. Online relationships are formed by those who spend a lot of time commiserating with other of like mindset. While this can be beneficial on many levels, there can also be great harm done.

Predators know that the Internet provides a great deal of anonymity. It is a medium which allows for people to operate without recognition. When someone is ill-intentioned, the fact that one is only offering a screen name as identification is a welcomed asset. Chatrooms are full of people seeking solace and companionship. The BDSM world, online, is the same way. We have a host of 'submissives' seeking to give control to all others. One sad truth is that many of these people would submit to a tree if given the chance.

Loneliness is a horrible quality to be dealing with. There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Those who cannot stand to be alone without being lonely are ripe to be taken by a predator. Often the victims are those who are isolated by their responsibilities. It is very common to see single mothers engaged in chats. It is a refuge for them since it allows for 'adult' interaction in a situation that is otherwise difficult. Of course, our predators depend upon this fact.

Protecting Oneself

Reams of suggestions are available to protect oneself from online predators. I am not going to hit upon the basics such as not providing personal information or meeting without the proper precautions in place. These are common suggestions and should always be applied. However, there are other things that people need to do that is particular to the BDSM community.

The first thing you can do is to use common sense. Too many seem to think they stepped onto another planet when they get around this lifestyle. The truth is that all other common sense ideas apply here. Failure to grasp this concept means that you are susceptible to believing a host of bullshit.

A relationship is built upon interaction and communication. Forget about the TPE concept entirely when you are starting to communicate with another. I have seen too many people believe the horsecrap that a 'Master' states like it is fact when it doesnt even make sense. For example, I had one tell me that 'Master doesnt like questions'. And she was one who was thinking about moving her kids 3 states to be with him. Here is my question: what kind of stupid ass are you? If your Master doesnt like questions, find a Master who does. How can one make a reasonable decision about a person if she doesnt know anything about that person? In my experience, it is impossible.

Another thing that you can do is to presume that all you see is not what it appears. Sure, some are genuine in their intent. However, there is so much misinformation that people are led to the wrong conclusions. I saw so many who proclaimed to be Masters or slaves when they really had no idea what that meant. Instead, they based it upon a couple of blog posts they read. Excelling in either of these areas requires a lot of time and dedication. It doesnt happen overnight. There are many online who are genuine in what they say but mislead completely.

The final suggestion I have for protecting yourself is to take things slowly. Sure you can advance pretty quickly in the online world. That is the easy part. Transitioning to something real requires a lot of work. For this reason, go slow in your interaction. If you are new to the lifestyle, relax and learn all you can. Get a variety of insights before moving forward. Find someone who is credible and knows what he or she is doing. A mentor is often a wonderful path to follow. Solicit the input of someone who has been there. This will save you a lot of headaches down the road.

At the same time, resist the temptation to jump into a relationship immediately. I can promise you that if you go to any one of the BDSM dating sites, you will be hit up immediately by a host of doms/masters. Ignore most of what you see because it is garbage. The true Masters arent soliciting everyone 'subbie' on those sites. Only the predators do that. Learn to separate the two.

By resisting the urge to jump in, you will be better able to find the quality person you are seeking. Once you do this, then you can begin the process of transitioning from online to real time. But again, do not do that overnight. Use the traditional forms of communication like the telephone to get to know each other better. There will be signs if something is amiss. Watch for patterns that would indicate being misled such as only being able to call at certain times or screaming children in the background when one is single without kids. These are warnings.

These are just a few tidbits of ways you can protect yourself. The Internet is a wonderful tool that allows you access to people who were once out of reach. However, this benefit is also wrought with peril. Take the proper measures to protect yourself.

Self Esteem

This is an issue that affects most of society, not just the BDSM world. However, from what I have witnessed, people who enter the BDSM world suffer from a lack of self esteem. Sadly, this is something that will affect all they do.

Looking To The Outside

I am amazed how many look to the outside for their worth. Certainly, this is a product of society and how they operate. We are taught from a young age to compare ourselves with those around us. Children are graded against each other. This continues into adulthood. It is truly astounding when you really consider how many decisions are made by those around us. Sure, it is not directly but the outside influence is always there.

Living this way is an expensive proposition. Many people buy expensive automobiles simply because they are concerned about the impression they make on other people. This affects their financial freedom in ways they cannot even begin to imagine.

The same is true within this lifestyle. Too many are concerned with the impression they make on others. These individuals are ones who believe worth is derived outside themselves. Unfortunately, this is a road to emptiness since few ever find the truth in this. Worth is an inside job. It is not something that another can give you.

BDSM

Too many times I see a sub/slave looking for her worth from the dominant one. Again, this is a path to never-ending fulfillment. Even the best Master in the world is powerless to handle this situation. In fact, it becomes a lifelong battle that he has to wage. No matter how much support, love, or attention that one is given, it is never enough. The low self-esteem will always win.

I recently read an article that was posted a number of years ago about the subject of punishments. It dealt with the idea that a Dom would punish a sub by ignoring her for a specific period of time. The author believed this was a bad move since most have abandonment issues and such poor self esteem that this practice would have an adverse affect. Instead, the thinking is, the Dom should only engage in those behaviors that bear in mind these shortcomings within a submissive one.

This is an outlook that I disagree with completely. To start, this article was written by someone who obviously has esteem issues herself. Plus, it is something that will never work. Why should a Master alter his punishments because of the fragile esteem of a slave. If she is that fragile, she belongs alone working on herself and not in a relationship. A Master is incapable of solving this issue for her.

Now, let us look at the absurdity of this viewpoint. She has abandonment issues so that means a Master cannot cut off contact with her. What if he goes out of town on business for three or four days? The response would most likely be 'that is different'. But how do you know? If her esteem is that fragile, can she handle being alone at all. Abandonment issues come in many forms. Perhaps her dad went out of town on business and never returned. Now she might have a reply in her mind.

The truth is that only those with solid self-esteem can be in healthy relationships. Even in a power exchange situation, it is crucial that both people be on solid footing with their self worth. Again, and I cannot stress this enough, both parties need to look within for that value. A slave is not valuable because of what she does; rather, her value is because of who she is. Her awakening in the morning is all she needs to have merit. Everything else flows out of that place.

In summary, take the time to develop your own self esteem. Do this before you get involved in a BDSM relationship and you will be much happier.

Don't Jump

This is good advice if you are standing on the side of a building. It also applies to entering the BDSM lifestyle and for the same reason. Leaping can cause you to fall flat on your face while causing serious damage to yourself. I see this happen over and over again. People do not take the time to enter into a serious discussion with each other. Instead, they tend to jump at the first thing that comes along.

There are many reasons why people do this. However, I think the most common is a simple lack of esteem. So many are worried that they will never get with anyone that they take the first person who comes along. In the online world, one is really taking a chance since that individual is most likely not what he or she is espousing. The basic truth is that very few are when you consider this medium.

Anonymity is a wonderful thing for those who are less than forthright in who they are. Basically, one only has the word of the other person to go on. This is really not a safe path to follow when one thoroughly considers the potential consequences. We all know how dangerous the world can be and have read the news reports of the meetings that ended in tragedy. In short, one needs to take extreme precaution.

Another problem with latching onto the first person who comes along is the general idea of not knowing whether this person is a good fit or not. I always state that the most important word in the phrase 'BDSM relationship' is relationship. Too many want to focus upon the BDSM aspect of things. The truth is that most of your time is spent engaged in normal relationship activities. Therefore, doesn't it make sense to concentrate efforts on getting to know the person with whom you are getting involved with? Obviously to many people, this is a step that should be skipped.

The bottom line is that one who has a healthy esteem will wait for the proper person to appear. There are a lot of 'frogs' out there. Nevertheless, when one is certain what he or she is seeking, it is easier to wait until the right individual comes along. So many kill any possibility of success by leaping at the first person who shows an interest. This destroys any chance of happiness within this lifestyle since the individual usually experiences frustration after the initial relationship blows up (and it almost always does). Thus, our energetic new person exits this lifestyle without looking back because the pain is just too great. It is sad but this happens every day.

Do not become a statistic of the online manipulators and con artists. Take your time to learn about yourself, the lifestyle, and the online games that are played. A few months on a decent chatboard will reveal the secrets that the vultures use. Keep reading this blog and I will alert you to many of the online shenanigans that take place. Either way, once you have a bit of knowledge you are able to disarm these predators without much effort. This is the entire point of my writing. However, all will be lost if you get involved with some pretender who isolates you from the real information you need.

Hence, your only solution is to hang loose and not jump at the first thing that comes sniffing. Dont worry, others will come along...I promise you.

Knowing Your Place

Most people enter into this lifestyle, at least in the online world, after reading a couple of blog posts and, perhaps, seeing a few videos. The idea of submission (or domination) appeals to them. Thus, they sign up for a couple of websites while filling out profiles. In it they say something to the effect 'newbie just looking around'. Sadly, this is a person who is destined never to realize what this life is all about. The truth of the matter is that the answers are derived by going within.

There Is More To IT

Before you get defensive about me going all 'personal development' on you, let me make it clear that there is more to this way of life than meets the eye. While it is true that many come seeking pleasure and fun, the truth of the matter that a great percentage are then drawn in further. They experience a taste of this life and want more. That is a wonderful thing to have happen. However, just knowing which side of the domination/submission equation that you are on is not enough.

I see so many who state that they are seeking a Dom (Master/sub/slave). Yet, rarely is anyone specific about what they want. Sure some will state they want particular physical traits or age category. Some even go so far as to tell you what they do not want. Many are clear, at least initially, of what their limits are. Nevertheless, these people never seem to get to the crux of the matter.

Domination is an art as well as a science. The concept of taking complete control of another requires experience and education on many different levels. Taking over someone physically (and sexually) is the easy part. Any meat head can do that. The ability to penetrate someone so deeply that he or she cedes total control is a different matter. This takes a great deal of time to learn. One's power to dominate at the psychological level is brought into question. Domination is a study completely unto itself.

Why do I bring this point up here? Simple. Many state they want someone to dominate them but have no idea how that is done. Therefore, they believe that lies in the hands of the Dom. Sadly, my experience is that most of them have no idea either. Anyone who submits to a person of this ilk is apt to find the relationship non-fulfilling. It will be magical for a while since the newness of someone taking control at the physical/sexual level is intoxicating. After that wears off, and it always does, one is left with nothing more than a kinky relationship.

Knowing Oneself

Knowing oneself is crucial. It is impossible to really begin a search for another until one is certain what it is he or she is looking for. The aforementioned example is perfectly suitable for many people. There is nothing wrong with having a BDSM relationship that is nothing more than enhanced sexual play...if that is what you want. Yet, if you are a person who desires to be dominated completely, then it best to get with someone who has that ability.

To show this in the reverse, consider the plight of the dominant. Are you one who seeks to control all aspects of one's life? If that is the case, you ought not mess with someone who is only seeking to enhance his/her sex life. This is an individual who will resist any efforts to go farther (if he/she remains true to that original desire). Relationships end regularly because there is a lack of consistency in the desires.

Another way this enters the picture is in the sub/slave scenario. I am a 'doubting Thomas' when it comes to slaves being what they proclaim. My firm belief is that the percentage of people who truly are capable of living as slaves is slim. Most are submissive but unable to produce the mindset required to truly be a slave. This creates a problem for someone like me who does not want to mess around with subs. I prefer the M/s compared to D/s situation. This is a personal preference and not meant to make the proclamation that one is better than the other. Nevertheless, one who comes to me lacking the ability to be a slave is not a prospect regardless of what she claims.

Fortunately, I am experienced enough to pick up on this. Most are not. There are many who enter into M/s relationships without a clear picture of what they seek. Often people seem willing to take the first person who will come along. This decision creates an assortment of other issues that I will not go into today. The bottom line is that failure to know oneself is paramount to being able to find a match.

The Spectrum

Once you begin to get an idea of yourself, then you can determine where on the spectrum you best fit into. Here again, we are dealing with something that is more than meets the proverbial eye. Most think that deciding that he or she is a slave (or Master), for example, is enough. Wrong. With the slave, what kind of slavery are you seeking. There are many avenues to pursue. Defining your desires as closely as possible is helpful.

Some desiring emotion filled relationships with someone who will not only be a Dom/Master/sub slave but also a husband or wife. At the same time, some see slaves as ones who are less than human and should be treated accordingly. Many are into the animal mindset while others take the objectification leading to property outlook. There are many different ways to view the same title. The question is where do you fit.

There are people at every stage of the spectrum. The key is to know what it is that makes you tick. In other words, how much of a relationship do you want with a person. The one who is seeking a marriage partner as well as a BDSM one is looking for something emotionally in depth. This differs from the one who seeks to simply be of service to another in the domestic sense and forgo the emotional. Again, neither is better than the other. It only matters what is best for you.

Knowing your place is a helpful thing to determine. Sadly, few ever look at it before they enter into a relationship. Most seem to do it backwards: they enter into relationships to determine what they desire. Is it any wonder that so many relationships fail? Spend the time doing the internal search to determine what you are about; it will save you many mistakes down the road.