The Lonely

There are many within the online community who truly are predators. These are the individuals who seek to do harm to others for their own pleasure. Now, please bear in mind I am not speaking within the proper confines of a BDSM relationship. Instead, I am referring to those who are abusers in the truest sense of the word. They utilize tactics which prey upon the unsuspecting in an effort to seek their favor. This often leads to reprehensible damage.

The Lonely

The Internet seems to be a place where many people who are lonely turn for comfort. It is obvious why this is since this mechanism can mimic life in many ways without the downside effects that many suffered in their real lives. Consider the average chatroom. Here is a place that many can find comfort in regardless of the time of day. If the place is popular enough, there is activity going 24/7. Online relationships are formed by those who spend a lot of time commiserating with other of like mindset. While this can be beneficial on many levels, there can also be great harm done.

Predators know that the Internet provides a great deal of anonymity. It is a medium which allows for people to operate without recognition. When someone is ill-intentioned, the fact that one is only offering a screen name as identification is a welcomed asset. Chatrooms are full of people seeking solace and companionship. The BDSM world, online, is the same way. We have a host of 'submissives' seeking to give control to all others. One sad truth is that many of these people would submit to a tree if given the chance.

Loneliness is a horrible quality to be dealing with. There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Those who cannot stand to be alone without being lonely are ripe to be taken by a predator. Often the victims are those who are isolated by their responsibilities. It is very common to see single mothers engaged in chats. It is a refuge for them since it allows for 'adult' interaction in a situation that is otherwise difficult. Of course, our predators depend upon this fact.

Protecting Oneself

Reams of suggestions are available to protect oneself from online predators. I am not going to hit upon the basics such as not providing personal information or meeting without the proper precautions in place. These are common suggestions and should always be applied. However, there are other things that people need to do that is particular to the BDSM community.

The first thing you can do is to use common sense. Too many seem to think they stepped onto another planet when they get around this lifestyle. The truth is that all other common sense ideas apply here. Failure to grasp this concept means that you are susceptible to believing a host of bullshit.

A relationship is built upon interaction and communication. Forget about the TPE concept entirely when you are starting to communicate with another. I have seen too many people believe the horsecrap that a 'Master' states like it is fact when it doesnt even make sense. For example, I had one tell me that 'Master doesnt like questions'. And she was one who was thinking about moving her kids 3 states to be with him. Here is my question: what kind of stupid ass are you? If your Master doesnt like questions, find a Master who does. How can one make a reasonable decision about a person if she doesnt know anything about that person? In my experience, it is impossible.

Another thing that you can do is to presume that all you see is not what it appears. Sure, some are genuine in their intent. However, there is so much misinformation that people are led to the wrong conclusions. I saw so many who proclaimed to be Masters or slaves when they really had no idea what that meant. Instead, they based it upon a couple of blog posts they read. Excelling in either of these areas requires a lot of time and dedication. It doesnt happen overnight. There are many online who are genuine in what they say but mislead completely.

The final suggestion I have for protecting yourself is to take things slowly. Sure you can advance pretty quickly in the online world. That is the easy part. Transitioning to something real requires a lot of work. For this reason, go slow in your interaction. If you are new to the lifestyle, relax and learn all you can. Get a variety of insights before moving forward. Find someone who is credible and knows what he or she is doing. A mentor is often a wonderful path to follow. Solicit the input of someone who has been there. This will save you a lot of headaches down the road.

At the same time, resist the temptation to jump into a relationship immediately. I can promise you that if you go to any one of the BDSM dating sites, you will be hit up immediately by a host of doms/masters. Ignore most of what you see because it is garbage. The true Masters arent soliciting everyone 'subbie' on those sites. Only the predators do that. Learn to separate the two.

By resisting the urge to jump in, you will be better able to find the quality person you are seeking. Once you do this, then you can begin the process of transitioning from online to real time. But again, do not do that overnight. Use the traditional forms of communication like the telephone to get to know each other better. There will be signs if something is amiss. Watch for patterns that would indicate being misled such as only being able to call at certain times or screaming children in the background when one is single without kids. These are warnings.

These are just a few tidbits of ways you can protect yourself. The Internet is a wonderful tool that allows you access to people who were once out of reach. However, this benefit is also wrought with peril. Take the proper measures to protect yourself.

Self Esteem

This is an issue that affects most of society, not just the BDSM world. However, from what I have witnessed, people who enter the BDSM world suffer from a lack of self esteem. Sadly, this is something that will affect all they do.

Looking To The Outside

I am amazed how many look to the outside for their worth. Certainly, this is a product of society and how they operate. We are taught from a young age to compare ourselves with those around us. Children are graded against each other. This continues into adulthood. It is truly astounding when you really consider how many decisions are made by those around us. Sure, it is not directly but the outside influence is always there.

Living this way is an expensive proposition. Many people buy expensive automobiles simply because they are concerned about the impression they make on other people. This affects their financial freedom in ways they cannot even begin to imagine.

The same is true within this lifestyle. Too many are concerned with the impression they make on others. These individuals are ones who believe worth is derived outside themselves. Unfortunately, this is a road to emptiness since few ever find the truth in this. Worth is an inside job. It is not something that another can give you.

BDSM

Too many times I see a sub/slave looking for her worth from the dominant one. Again, this is a path to never-ending fulfillment. Even the best Master in the world is powerless to handle this situation. In fact, it becomes a lifelong battle that he has to wage. No matter how much support, love, or attention that one is given, it is never enough. The low self-esteem will always win.

I recently read an article that was posted a number of years ago about the subject of punishments. It dealt with the idea that a Dom would punish a sub by ignoring her for a specific period of time. The author believed this was a bad move since most have abandonment issues and such poor self esteem that this practice would have an adverse affect. Instead, the thinking is, the Dom should only engage in those behaviors that bear in mind these shortcomings within a submissive one.

This is an outlook that I disagree with completely. To start, this article was written by someone who obviously has esteem issues herself. Plus, it is something that will never work. Why should a Master alter his punishments because of the fragile esteem of a slave. If she is that fragile, she belongs alone working on herself and not in a relationship. A Master is incapable of solving this issue for her.

Now, let us look at the absurdity of this viewpoint. She has abandonment issues so that means a Master cannot cut off contact with her. What if he goes out of town on business for three or four days? The response would most likely be 'that is different'. But how do you know? If her esteem is that fragile, can she handle being alone at all. Abandonment issues come in many forms. Perhaps her dad went out of town on business and never returned. Now she might have a reply in her mind.

The truth is that only those with solid self-esteem can be in healthy relationships. Even in a power exchange situation, it is crucial that both people be on solid footing with their self worth. Again, and I cannot stress this enough, both parties need to look within for that value. A slave is not valuable because of what she does; rather, her value is because of who she is. Her awakening in the morning is all she needs to have merit. Everything else flows out of that place.

In summary, take the time to develop your own self esteem. Do this before you get involved in a BDSM relationship and you will be much happier.